January. Start New Year by blowing up $3,000 in fireworks to show that you have money and don’t care about anyone else. Complain about how politicians spend so much money that didn’t help the small man. Make resolutions to lose weight, learn a new skill, be more thrifty and other things that you failed to accomplish last year. Report a neighbour who playing loud music to the police and the Environmental Management Authority
February. Carnival coming. Take loan to buy costume and start driving drunk. Get fit in three weeks, remind yourself that your belly not as big as plenty other people who playing mas. Complain about how calypso now not as good as calypso long-time. Go to Panorama, carry cooler, support your side, find out what song they play the next day. Report neighbour to the police and the Environmental Management Authority for playing pan CD too loud.
March. Go to fete Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday afternoon. Have unprotected sex, preferably with somebody you not in a relationship with. Watch Dimanche Gras, say Trinis most creative people on the planet. Complain about calypsonians badtalking UNC if you Indo, say calypsonians are the voice of the people if you Afro. Have car broken into, don’t report to police.
April. Stop eating pork on Fridays so you can go to Heaven after you die. Go to church and celebrate Lord Jesus Christ, who died for mankind’s sins. Except homosexuality. Remember that God forgives everyone who asks for forgiveness. Except homosexuals. Get robbed while coming back from church, don’t report to police.
May. Children writing exams. Pray to God that they will pass and give them licks if they not cramming their work. Express regret about child who was murdered. Resume fornication. Become member of UNC and buy good printer to make diplomas, certificates and degrees. If child gets beaten up in school by gang, don’t report to principal or police.
June. The month of weddings, so eat plenty free food and drink plenty free drinks. Rainy season start, so drive really fast on wet roads when going home after weddings. Remind yourself that other people die in car accidents because they not as good as driver as you who know how to drive fast on wet roads. World Cup football on, so life perfect.
July. Take vacation so you could watch more TV, drink more rum, eat more pork. Get depressed over West Indies cricket. Call radio talkshows to complain about crime, corruption, and drugs. Offer solutions, especially prayers, hangings, and licks for children. Express regret again about another child who was murdered. Don’t report stepfather abusing 12-year-old girl down the street.
August. Pray for child to get good results in SEA exam. Beat them if they fail, and beat them some more so they will grow up not to be criminals, skettels, or atheists. Independence coming, buy more fireworks to frighten dogs, babies and old people. Send in nominations for National Awards—Trevor Sayers for healing so many people with herbs and stamina; Pastor Dottin for fighting the mafiatic octopusitic druglords; Leroy Clarke for long sentences.
September. School opening. Traffic jams expected, so practise breaking red lights, turning right from left lane of flyover, cussing when you get bad drive. Tell child to obey school rules. Make sure all school books rented and that there are no books in home to distract child, except Bible or Qur’an or Bhagavadgita. Tell girl to study books not boys. If boy reads books for pleasure, ask him about girls in case he becoming gay. Don’t call police about fella dealing weed by corner.
October. Go by obeah man to get some obeah to stop demons when children open the doors to the occult by going to Halloween parties dressed like witches. Vote in election for candidate whose party is the same race as you. Complain about corruption and cronyism if you are not a UNC supporter. If you are a UNC supporter, write a letter/blog/comment about the PNM media which deliberately exposing corruption and cronyism in Government. Don’t report to the police false invoices submitted by party financier.
November. Year nearly end, take all remaining sick leave days. Start stocking up for Christmas, say the Government should control food prices. Badtalk capitalism but don’t vote MSJ. Praise a beauty queen and an athlete for representing the best of Trinidad and Tobago. If 12- or 14-year-old daughter being forced to have sex, don’t report to police, marry her to Muslim or Hindu man.
December. Start winding up work. Buy scotch, rum, vodka, and toys for the children. Go shopping, complain about bad service. Also go to church to thank your Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ for all His blessings, especially your new flatscreen TV. If man murdered in bar you liming in, don’t report to police, in case police or killers kill you. Buy more fireworks.