Now that Keshorn Walcott has won an Olympic gold medal, crime will go down, flooding will cease, and yams will be free in Trinidad and Tobago.
It has to be so since that Prime Minister Kamla Persad-Bissessar has given the 19-year-old Walcott a million dollars, a house and land, more land, and named a lighthouse, an aeroplane, and a school after him; and the people of T&T apparently agree that Walcott deserves all this. "He worked hard," they say. But those fellas who sell mosquito zappers by the traffic lights also work hard, yet I doubt Kamla would even bother to give them dengue. So the basis isn't hard work — rather, it is the sense of pride people feel because Walcott is the best in the world at throwing a spear. I myself don't feel particularly proud about that, but that's probably because I hunt for my meat at Hi-Lo.
The only problem now would be if Walcott wins gold again in the 2016 Olympic Games, because what is there left to give? I suppose, if Kamla is still Prime Minister, she'll have to give him the whole of Toco, re-name it Keshorn, and declare a year-long national holiday. But I admit this is unlikely; after all, what are the chances of Kamla being PM after 2015? That doesn't mean, though, that her successor won't try even harder to buy votes by buying athletes, afrocentrists, and soca stars. This is why Kamla insisted on giving a national holiday at such short notice. She knew doing so would disenchant hard-working and conscientious people; but that's just a small minority of voters in T&T. What she wanted was to appeal to the majority of slackers who would show up at the airport to hear Machel and be so grateful that they would vote UNC.
But the exorbitance over Keshorn can be justified because this administration's main crime-fighting plan is already sport. That's right. Not better detection, faster prosecutions, or fewer Government Ministers talking to themselves on taxpayer-funded cellphones. Sport. Why do you think Jack Warner was appointed National Security Minister? The Government has spent millions on a basketball competition to get young, black men to shoot hoops instead of bullets. The logic is that, if they can get more young, black men on the court, there would be fewer of them in the court. Moreover, as comedian Rachel Price has pointed out, those same fellas does shoot into a crowd and hit exactly who they aiming for. How much training, then, would they need to take an Olympic medal in marksmanship? Similarly for sprint events. They rob a store in the middle of Port of Spain and run away so fast that the police can't catch them even in an SUV.
So, if we want to become an athletic nation, we need to identify the sports we're going to compete in and widen the criteria for choosing competitors. Although I myself have little interest in sport, I can run a seven-minute mile, bench press 230 lbs, and hold my breath for two minutes: which makes me more qualified than 90 per cent of Trinidadians to comment on athletics.
• Fencing and boxing —According to new acting Police Commissioner Stephen Williams, police officers do not use excessive force when attacked by gun-wielding bandits, even though the bandits are almost always fatally shot. In these shootouts, moreover, police officers are never killed or even wounded. This means that the officers should be selected for these two sports, since dodging a foil or a fist should be child's play for men who can dodge bullets.
• Wrestling and judo — For these sports, we need to hire Ish and Steve and Calder Hart as coaches. After all, nobody has been able to hold them, and their training on how to be slippery virtually guarantees gold in these two events.
• Equestrian – Getting competitors for this event should start with skettels, who already have the hair.
• Swimming and diving — In order to foster national training in these events, the government must not stop illegal housing developments, not clean drains, and not discourage littering. In other words, the government must continue doing exactly what it's been doing. Thus, whenever rain falls for more than one hour, hundreds of people would have the opportunity to train for the 100-metres freestyle, the triple twist off a denuded hill, and the breast stroke of chile mothers.
• High jump and gymnastics — UNC sycophants and PNM-tell-ah-deads should be champions at these events, since they are already accustomed to asking "how high?" when told to jump. They also bend over backwards every day to defend their Political Leader's incompetence, cronyism and credit cards, which gives them the flexibility required for the floor exercise and sitting on State boards.
• Weight-lifting — Every citizen of T&T should enter this event, since we are already well-trained in bearing the burden of deadweight in Parliament.