Are you a career criminal? Are you looking for a Caribbean getaway where you can rest and relax, but not in prison? Then look no further: Trinidad is the haven for you!

With a detection rate of under 20 per cent and a conviction rate of less than ten per cent, Trinidad is the ideal vacation spot for any criminal looking to take it easy. The country boasts a National Security Minister who has been the subject of corruption allegations for several decades but who has never been convicted of one offence, although he once had to wear Bermuda shorts. His first act after being appointed National Security Minister was to trample the Constitution and the law by ordering the Army to arrest protesters who were camped on State land, but the matter never came to court since he had folded his arms. Local killers have been encouraged by his proposed measures, such as resurrection of a police hit squad, beating with the cat o' nine tails, and basketball tournaments!

The country's capital city of Port of Spain is a virtual paradise for criminals. Boasting the highest murder rate in the country and the least effective police, the mayor himself has set the example by instituting several policies without regard for the law. He only recently instituted a new traffic plan without publishing the changes as legally required and, when asked about this by the media, said, "The person who raised that with you, ask them what they have done to stem the flow of blood in Laventille?" This facility allows visiting criminals to help reduce the blood flow in Laventille by killing people in other parts of the country. And this is only one of the many services offered to murderers in the island!

Drug traffickers would also find it very easy to set up a business here, whether wholesale or retail. Although different administrations have claimed that fighting the drug trade is a major priority, this was just a good joke. Best of all, decriminalisation of any sort is opposed by religious leaders and everyone else who profits from stupidity.

But do not worry that only killers and drug lords are welcome in Trinidad. Far from it! Trinidad also has a place for lesser criminals, such as rapists. Not only do we have some of the most beautiful women in the world, but men can have sex with 12- and 14-year-old girls once they are married to them! In fact, recent attempts to change this law met with stiff opposition from Muslim and Hindu leaders, since this is the only stiff thing about such men.

So we cater for all types of criminals, including white-collar ones. Indeed, if you happen to be both white-collar and white, you can easily be appointed to head a multi-billion-dollar organisation even if you have no qualifications or, better yet, bogus qualifications. A particular attraction is that you needn't even work hard to hide your financial shenanigans, and can use your own fax machine to give contracts to relatives! If your activities are discovered, you will be allowed to leave the country once you have given enough kickbacks to politicians and other officials.

Trinidad is also the favoured destination for conmen, whether their scam is curing cancer with laxatives, offering a 15 per cent return on insurance policies, or making death threats to officials who don't take bribes. The Central Bank has established a sterling reputation for being unable to deal with such criminals, and the new governor's main qualification is his stated willingness to co-operate with a Finance Minister who is calling on the population to make sacrifices in the next Budget after he got a $10 million handshake so he wouldn't have to. If you are a white-collar criminal, you can rest assured that you are unlikely to be caught, less likely to be imprisoned, and never have to pay for bran muffins!

This is because leaders in the country are generally supportive of law-breaking. While the present President will soon end his tenure, his main accomplishment in office was to illegally appoint candidates to an — wait for it — Integrity Commission! The next President is expected to be appointed based on his willingness to supinely obey the party in office, which will help the Government to break the law even if they have to change it. This is because one of the Prime Minister's first acts was to appoint a woman with no qualifications to head a security agency. Later, she spent $868,000 to use her sister as a "travel assistant" even though the law didn't allow this. She has also been taking regular helicopter rides on a Defence Force helicopter which is supposed to be used by the Defence Force.

So come to beautiful Trinidad, where you can rob, rape and murder to your heart's content! (All visitors must pay a small entry tax or bribe Customs officials.)

• kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com