Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Atheists vs believers


Mark Fraser

1. Believers believe an all-powerful and all-loving God created man.

Atheists know scientists created Viagra.

2. Believers believe if they do what God tells them to do, He will give them money, put a force-field around their car and cure their unsightly dandruff.

Atheists earn money, drive defensively and buy shampoo.

3. Believers believe sex should be only between a man and a woman. 

Atheists think sex should be between a person and that person.

4. Believers say they hate homosexua­lity, not homosexuals.

Atheists observe, believers believe anyone who criticises their religion is criti­cising them.

5. Believers believe God is absolutely powerful and absolutely good.

Atheists observe children die from accidents, disease and licks.

6. Believers believe atheists are arrogant because they do not believe in God.

Atheists think anyone who believes an all-powerful Being grants all their wishes isn’t exactly humble.

7. Believers believe miracles happen.

Atheists accept statistically improbable events happen, plus hoaxes.

8. Believers believe atheists refuse to believe in God so they can do whatever they want.

Atheists notice believers do whatever they want, anyway, except maybe eat pork.

9. When asked, “How are you?” believers reply, “I am blessed and highly favoured.”

When asked, “How are you?” atheists reply, “Fine. And yourself?”

10. Believers believe God’s laws are superior to man’s laws.

Atheists observe that God’s laws generally lead to stoning, illiteracy and ugly dresses.

11. Believers believe if people have sex only in the ways they approve, all society’s problems would be solved.

Atheists don’t think it’s their business how anyone else has sex, once the two or more people involved consent to it.

12. Believers believe not everything that is true can be proven.

Atheists want to know if believers can prove that.

13. Believers believe a foetus without a thinking brain is a person.

Atheists think believers are persons, too.

14. Believers believe if you stop people from learning about certain ideas, like evolution and the Big Bang, people will be less sinful.

Atheists think stupidity is stupid, and to embrace stupidity is absolutely dotish.

15. Believers believe the world was better several thousand years ago, when everyone feared God.

Atheists read history from history books, not from holy texts.

16. Believers believe prayer can make God change circumstances through His divine intervention.

Atheists observe that when you talk to someone who isn’t there, there’s usually no answer.

17. Believers believe their prayers are answered.

Atheists observe that if you ask for rain every day, you will eventually get wet.

18. Believers believe their holy texts contain all the information human beings need to thrive.

Atheists cannot find in any religious text the instructions for making vaccines, lasers or anti-fungal cream.

19. Believers say God moves in mysterious ways.

Atheists observe that so do serial killers.

20. Believers believe all misfortune in the world is caused by man’s sinful nature.

Atheists do not consider children to be sinful and, if their parents are sinners, do not consider killing their children to be a just punishment for their parents’ wining lewdly while drunkenly lusting after people to whom they are not married.

21. Believers say God is good.

Atheists say so is cheesecake.

22. Believers believe homosexuality is unnatural and anything unnatural is wrong.

Atheists think if believers really believed that, they would burn their clothes.

23. Believers believe children should be taught about God so that they will be behave good.

Atheists think children who are taught to be good because they will be punished if they are bad will become bad as soon as they think nobody but an invisible man is looking.

24. Believers believe God is absolutely good and created everything.

Atheists ask, “Mosquitoes?”

25. Believers believe homosexuals choose to be homosexual.

Atheists think anyone who believes that is admitting they could make that choice.

26. Believers believe atheists will believe in God when they are dying.

Atheists think anyone who believes that other people change their beliefs out of fear is revealing what their own beliefs are based on.

27. Believers say homosexual acts are disgusting, unnatural, against the laws of God, and disgusting.

Atheists who are heterosexual don’t spend that much time imagining what gay people are doing.

28. Believers say homosexuals should be accepted once they don’t practise homosexuality.

Atheists do not say believers should be accepted only if they don’t practise their religion.

29. Believers believe their religious beliefs are ordained by an all-powerful God.

Atheists think sexuality is inborn and religious beliefs are decided by where and when you were born.

30. Believers believe sex is lewd, vulgar and dirty.

Atheists agree, and go “Woo-hoo!”