Many citizens of Trinidad and Tobago do not know the procedure for nominating someone for a national award. But it's really very simple. All you have to do is fill out a nomination form, write a letter explaining why you think your nominee should get an award, then drop off the documents at the Office of the Prime Minister so she can veto your choice. While there is a National Awards Committee, they are there mostly to provide business for cosmetologists. So the secret to getting on the awardees' list clearly lies in your nomination letter meeting with the approval of the Prime Minister. As a public service, I have therefore drawn up the following samples which interested citizens can use next year to guarantee this happens.

Dear Lovely Prime Minister—

I would like to nominate my son for the Order of Trinidad and Tobago. My son deserves this medal because he can run fast. Very, very fast. And this medal is given for "Distinguished and Outstanding Service to Trinidad and Tobago", which running fast is. I would also like to nominate my daughter, because she is good-looking. Very, very good-looking. As you know, people who can run very fast make T&T a great nation. Very, very great. As do women who are very good-looking, such as yourself. Giving my son and daughter this award would also enhance your chances of re-election since the people of T&T admire people who can run very fast or look very good-looking.

Dear Beloved Prime Minister—

I would like to nominate my pastor for the Chaconia Gold Medal. My pastor praised your predecessor right up until the day he lost the election, and the very next week was praising you the same way in his weekly newspaper ad. This means that if you give him a national award, he will be spending at least $3,000 every week in free publicity for you and, as you know, this medal is given to persons who "promote community spirit and national welfare", which praising you does. As a pastor, when he says you are principled, strong, intelligent and absolutely wonderful, everyone will know he is speaking God's truth because he is a pastor. Needless to say, this would greatly enhance your chances of re-election and getting into Heaven.

Dear Boundless

Prime Minister—

I would like to nominate my alternative doctor for a Humming Bird Medal. No matter what disease anyone has, he has a cure, which none of those doctors with medical degrees can claim, so clearly he is a better doctor than them and he has never been charged for not having a medical licence. By curing cancer, diabetes and impotency, he has "rendered loyal and devoted service for the benefit or prestige of the community", as the award requires. His herbs are all-natural and also blessed by God, just like you. If he gets a national award, he will provide you with almost-free treatment, which would help you get re-elected and slim.

Dear Prime Minister

of GORTT—

After having worked for 30 tireless years in the Public Service, I would like to nominate my dear friend for the Public Service Medal of Merit. As a public servant, he was very strict about adhering to Section 7, Sub-section (a), Part (ix), unless a Government Minister asked him not to. You would agree that there can be no more definitive definition of "outstanding and meritorious service", as required by this award. By granting his this award, you would show that you respect the work that public servants do, which along with a well-timed pay increase will greatly help in your re-election.

Dear Great Prime Minister—

I would like to nominate my favourite journalist for the Chaconia Medal. He understands the proper use of commas, and has worked "long and meritoriously" to promote semi-colons, hence maintaining those standards without which our nation would descend into anarchy, despair and parentheses. Also, he has never supported an opinion with a fact, worn a short-sleeved shirt or refused an hors d'oeuvre. You may rest assured, dear Prime Minister, that he is firmly in your corner and, moreover, believes any corner can only be enhanced by your being in it.

Dearest Prime Minister—

I would like to nominate myself for a Medal for the Development of Women. I am a woman and I have become even more developed since I had a boob job last year. I voted for you in the last election. I have clapped hard every political meeting where you have spoken. I have written letters to the editor praising you and, whenever allegations of corruption and nepotism and wastage have been made, I have written more letters. I am also an Indian woman, although not as beautiful as yourself. I believe this can help you get re-elected since many men would vote how I tell them in a low-cut blouse.

—kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com