TODAY I am calling on the Government to immediately ban coffee. Or, if not immediately, next week.
Every morning, thousands of people reach to work bleary-eyed, grumpy, and creased. Yet, after just one or two cups of coffee, they become alert, cheerful and ironed. Should people be really be allowed to consume a beverage which affects their brain and body so drastically?
Coffee drinkers frankly admit that they can’t start their day until they’ve had a cup. Many husbands know better than to talk to their wives before she’s taken her first sip. Some coffee-drinkers even refuse to go to the toilet until they’ve drank a cup and read the newspaper (or at least the first three pages). How, then, can a responsible society allow this drink to be manufactured, sold and consumed by anyone?
Coffee, nonetheless, is a multi-billion-dollar industry. In poor countries, peasants toil to pick the beans, which are then processed in factories where the beans are ground into powder to make either instant coffee or delayed. In rich countries, manufacturers design machines to “percolate” the coffee bean in order to extract a stronger and more addictive drink. There is even a whole mug-making industry which would not exist without coffee.
It is therefore obvious that coffee has remained legal because of the capitalist military industrial complex. Coffee was first imported from the New World, duty free, at the start of the Industrial Revolution. This caused workers to begin drinking coffee instead of ale, which made them come to work energised rather than, as nature had intended, drunk. After all, fermentation is a natural process, whereas percolation is not. This capitalist ploy continues today, as demonstrated by the fact that most companies offer their employees coffee for free. And, if that wasn’t enough, people can now get coffee in different flavours, such as liqueur, brandy and ice cream.
This shows that, once human beings are given the freedom to do certain things, there will always be individuals who will abuse that freedom. The solution, as all right-thinking people know, is to ban freedom. There are, however, some persons who think that such abuses are a small price to pay for freedom, but these are mostly intellectuals who are versed in ethics, psychology, and history, which prevents them from being right-thinking.
The T&T Government must therefore demonstrate its concern for citizens by making coffee illegal now or, if not now, tomorrow. This will instantly result in fewer people drinking coffee, although the industry will probably not shut down immediately. No doubt cartels from South American countries will continue sending coffee beans to T&T and local gangs will collect the coffee to sell to citizens on coffee corners.
Customs officials, police officers, and politicians will be bribed to facilitate this trade, and gang members will be murdering one another over coffee shipments. But this is a small price to pay in order to ensure that no one becomes addicted to caffeine. The Government can create a special anti-coffee unit to combat coffee trafficking, confiscate coffee filters, and detect illegal stirring. Arresting office-workers and housewives who insist on getting their daily fix will send a strong message about the dangers of coffee.
Given the widespread nature of this addiction, however, it may be more effective to institute a gradual policy. The first step should be banning sugar. Most people won’t drink their coffee without sugar, so this measure will separate the casual drinkers from the hardcore addicts who, like female tourists in Tobago, like it black and strong.
The Government must therefore pass legislation banning the use of sugar in coffee, including Splenda. Penalties for breaking this law will depend on how many spoonfuls are used, with anyone who takes more than three teaspoons per cup being sentenced to life imprisonment. Sugar itself is known to cause diabetes, tooth decay and, worst of all, children staying up past their bedtime. This law should therefore be strengthened in stages, extending to all beverages and eventually making it illegal for men to call their girlfriends “sugar”, “sweetness” or “choonkaloonks”, since such words encourage obesity.
In this context, the Government must also criminalise automobiles. Every year, there are over 30,000 vehicle accidents which result in over 200 fatalities—more injuries and deaths caused by cocaine, heroin and all other narcotics combined. Most importantly, however, making trucks illegal will make the transport of coffee more difficult. Also, once people have to walk to work, they will become naturally energised from the exercise and will not need caffeine. And, once there are no automobiles, there will be no drunk driving, the Government will save $4 billion annually in fuel subsidies, and climate change will be stopped.
The sole caveat is that, once coffee is banned, this will cause an increase in irritability, which may exacerbate domestic violence, office brawls, and constipation. Luckily, there is a tried and tested method for ensuring that people stay mellow: legalise weed.