Having just written the CSEC and CAPE and cosmetology exams, many young people are now considering what careers they'd like to pursue, especially since fetes are getting so expensive. The ideal job should pay well, be air-conditioned, and provide free drinks on Fridays. Luckily, there are several such options.

Thanks to recent marketing efforts in Geneva, diplomacy is now a popular choice, according to recent reports from the St Ann's Mental Hospital. This job requires knowledge of international relations; experience in negotiations; and fluency in a foreign language — unless, of course, you are a diplomatic representative for Trinidad and Tobago. In that case, the main qualifications are giving the Prime Minister high grades; experience in Internet dating; and fluency in effluvium. Becoming a T&T diplomat also requires a track record in other fields, such as being the nephew of a Government Minister, being an unpopular Government Minister, or trying to brainwash UWI students with subliminal images. Once you have been made an ambassador, you get to spend millions of taxpayers' dollars to decorate your residence; badtalk doctors who failed to cure you; and act like the second syllable of your title.

Another career which many job-seekers are now considering is Commissioner of Police. In order to qualify for this job you must be versed in police tactics, such as parking your vehicle behind the bar; identifying poor black males with one gunshot; and not perspiring when wearing khaki. The advantage of this particular post is that you get paid even if you fail to meet any goals, including the recommended daily intake of fibre.

More ambitious youths are even considering being National Security Minister. In order to qualify this post, you should be familiar with law-breakers, so working in the Parliament would be an asset. It is advantageous to be a law-breaker yourself, once you have never been caught, and it is even more preferable to break the law but be too rich to be guilty. This background and experience will provide all the knowledge you need to pretend to catch criminals. All you have to do is announce that you will be announcing crime plans and, when your crime plans fail to reduce crime, blame parents, threaten to hang criminals, and ask for prayers. This will fool enough people enough of the time so you can continue getting lobster thermidor.

Another office which has recently been opened to young people is that of Central Bank Governor. Getting this post requires a background in finance and God. God may not have time to prevent the deaths of the 1.4 million children who die from diarrhoea each year but, according to the most recent appointee, God chose him to be the Central Bank Governor of T&T. So, if you want to one day occupy this important office, study Keynesian theory and dharma. That way, when you have to raise the repo rate, you can justify it through theosophy. And, if financial experts suggest that your appointment was based on political rather than meritocratic criteria, you can declare a fiscal fatwa.

Another lucrative career is that of ethnic leader. Many young people already have the basic experience required for this position, since they are African or Indian and receiving an allowance from their parents. However, in order to make a living as an ethnic leader, you must learn to beg for your allowance. This may require at least four years' study in the university of Woodford Square, with another two years as a married man.

The secret to effective begging is being able to threaten the people you're begging from. This makes it easy to get money from politicians who want votes, and you are also doing your part to entrench the race-based voting that is the hallmark of T&T politics. However, as an ethnic leader, you must be prepared to do without certain things, like principles, facts, and toenail clippers.

But if you insist on groomed toes, a similar career which pays well and allows several different options is the job of political sycophant. Sycophants can work as State board members, chat group bloggers, or pomerac chow. Once you are willing to defend the indefensible, you can get taxpayers to buy you SUVs; get funds to produce 50th Independence anniversary coffee-table books featuring Trinidadian writers which omits the only two Trinidad authors under 50 living here; and get a lifetime supply of tongue-cleaners.

But if you want to be the cleanee rather than the cleaner, you should apply to be Prime Minister. It pays better than all the other jobs, especially if you give your friends or your prophetess contracts; and you don't actually have to do any work. Instead, you ride in helicopters, take international shopping trips, and wear fashionable outfits. The hardest part of the Prime Minister's job is cronyism, wasteful spending, and corrupt practices: but, once you practise regularly, this also becomes quite easy.

• kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com