ThIS week I uncovered a plot to bring down the Government. Actually, I didn’t. But I did receive several e-mails which pointed to a plot to discredit the Government and bring it down. Actually, I didn’t. But, if I had, would I not have a duty to reveal such e-mails to the public?
After all, this is the rationale that PNM leader Dr Keith Rowley has given for presenting in Parliament the e-mail printouts with their non-existent e-mail addresses and impossible dates. And, since Dr Rowley is a respected leader in this place and the next likely Prime Minister, a lowly hack like myself must be obliged to follow his lead, as a leader.
The only difficulty I had was that I had not gotten any such e-mails. But I soon solved this problem by writing my own, and mine are even better than Dr Rowley’s typed pages because my e-mails actually exist in cyberspace, have no typos, and use a pleasing font. Here’s one.
Date: Sun, May 13 2013 02:07:36
Subject: pp cemetery plot
As discussed, we will implement the General Council’s three-point plan: (1) reveal incriminating emails; (2) ban unmarried pregnant teachers from classrooms, whether male or female; (3) grow hair.
Now this e-mail is clearly genuine, because Dr Rowley doesn’t approve of fornicating teachers and a leading PNM member is a descendant of Prophet Muhammad. However, if further proof is needed, I also have (i.e. written) two more e-mails.
Date: Mon May 12 2013 02:07:36
In order to lay the groundwork for Anand’s emails, I have accused him of making racist remarks at the New York consulate. To show my strong moral leadership, I will announce that actions have consequences so, if a teenage boy stabs another boy, he must be put in the St Michael’s Home for Boys, and not to get counselling for any suicide attempt either. Also, I continue to make every effort to grow hair.
Date: Wed May 10 2013 02:07:36
Anand is even more deceptive than we thought. While your accusations have been widely believed by all party members, Anand is so bad mind that he wasn’t even in New York when he made his racist comments at the New York consulate. Luckily, we don’t need facts to prove racism.
Now, in my view, no unreasonable person — i.e. the majority of Trinis — can refute the probability that these e-mails exist, even if I had to write them, since they are based on well-established lack of principles. And, for anyone who might still be sceptical, consider the following exchange:
Date: Friday May 8 2013 02:01:36
In order to show that I am a leader who treats with all citizens without fear or favour or fatty acids, I will announce that I meet with everyone, including Muslimeen. The emails have been typed and show a plot to pass Section 34 while the Opposition is sleepy; to have sex with reporters, female and male; and to drink rum. I am also seeing results in growing hair.
Date: Friday May 8 2013 01:01:36
The rum-drinking will prove that the content of the emails is true, even if people query the printouts. If that happens, blame B.C. Pires. Btw, I’m not seeing any hair in your last newspaper photo.
Date: Friday May 8 2013 02:01:36
Did the Council want me to grow hair on my head too?
I have therefore proven that my e-mails are genuine, since my arguments are the same as the PNM’s, although I admit that my prose is grammatical.