Over the past week, National Security Minister Jack Warner and Sports Minister Anil Roberts have been going on talkshows to tell the people of Trinidad and Tobago about the "Hoop of Life" basketball tournament which is intended to reduce crime, raise the self-esteem of youths, and increase deodorant sales. Minister Roberts has described the $12 million programme as "priceless" in its societal benefits, which is apparently different from there being "no price" on the patriotic benefits of a $2 million dollar flag as once argued by Robert's predecessor Gary Hunt. Since the Government Ministers have given contradictory and incomplete information about the costs of this initiative, its arrangements, and how many bullet-proof vests will be distributed, I have conducted my own investigation and found a couple of documents for this project right in my personal computer.
Contract for all players (including their chile mothers)
This contract is made on this 1st day of July in the Year of Our Lords (Jesus, Bhagavan, and Allah) 2012 between The People's Partnership with assistance from the Treasury (hereinafter called "We Government!") and Young Black Men (YBMs) (hereinafter called "Horse", "Mah Brudda" or "Yo, Dog").
Duration: The contract will last for a period of three years, unless elections are called earlier.
Positions of players: Arms against the police car with legs spread; or facedown in the road with arms and legs spread; or kneeling in the forest to be executed by the new Flying Squad.
Fees: Payments of $1 million first prize, $500,000 second prize, and $250,000 third prize will be distributed to the winning communities, or their leaders, or whoever is left alive to vote for We Government!.
Community: A "community" is defined as any group of persons who will vote for Kamla in 2015 when the tournament ends. Each community shall appoint its basketball teams, whose members shall be chosen the basis of height, skill, and suicidal tendencies.
Interval of payment: The YBM will be paid at each interval when there are no murders, especially of basketball players from rival gangs.
Confidentiality: All YBMs who take part in the tournament must not disclose how much money they are getting to not murder, rob, and rape. They are, however, permitted to tell the media "Kamla is we grandmother".
Disqualification: Anyone who is caught committing an illegal act after the tournament has started shall be disqualified, maybe even jailed, but the odds of that are 6 in 100.
Termination: The contract may be terminated by either side for good reason, such as a fifth deficit Budget or a shortage of basketball players due to injury such as being shot several times in the head.
1. Basketball is played by two (2) teams of five (5) players each, with the Sports, Housing, and National Security Ministers just on games. The aim of each team is to score in the opponents' basket and to prevent the other team from scoring, while not being shot dead.
2. The basket that is attacked by a team is the opponents' basket and the basket which is defended by a team is the team's own basket, while everyone who believes this competition would reduce crime is taking basket.
3. The winner of a basketball game is the team with the most points and the fewest dead players. You get points by throwing the basketball through the opponent's hoop and more points by jumping through the politicians' one. A basket shot from within the three-point line is worth two points and a basket shot from outside the three-point line is worth three points, and a basketball player shot from anywhere is worth $1 million.
4. The player must dribble the ball with one hand, like a Government Minister salivating over the Treasury, while moving both feet, preferably faster than a State Board member trying to stay ahead of the Fraud Squad. If the player stops dribbling, he shall be removed for not being greedy enough to be in the tournament, in T&T, or in Cabinet.
5. If the offensive team loses the ball out of bounds, the other team gets control of the basketball and there is a general election.
6. The player's hand must be on the top of the ball while dribbling. If they are not on top of the ball, there will be a Cabinet reshuffle. If they are on top of the ball, but oppose hanging, they will be sent off.
7. The main rule for the defensive player is not to foul. A foul is described as gaining an unfair advantage through physical contact, such as wounding or killing or having unprotected sex. Anyone who commits a foul shall be penalised, unless they are named Jack Warner.
8. A penalty is incurred if participants refer to Government Ministers as (i) Highway Jack; (ii) Sneerface Jr; (iii) Anil Split-Me-in-Two; or (iv) Roodal the Michelin Man.