Tools

Jack's facts

By Kevin Baldeosingh

Prime Minister Kamla Persad-Bissessar says she doesn't know anything about a Government Minister's sons being held in the United States, but she would be very concerned if that is the case. Luckily, she will soon be able to find out since she has in her Cabinet this country's leading expert at finding out things.

Jack Warner, after all, always seems to know all. He even knows who is eating doubles, where they are eating it, and whether the pepper is slight or heavy. Occasionally, Jack gets evidence to prove his omniscience, like photographs of the Opposition Leader's constituency office closed during floods. Of course, he never actually presents any evidence, since so many people have faith in him. In this respect, Jack is like God, if God had a stammer and a head shaped like a potato. No doubt this is why Prime Minister Persad-Bissessar asked him to be National Security Minister. Warner, I mean, not God. Maybe Kamla would have asked God to be National Security Minister if God had displayed any interest in preventing children from getting murdered. But He didn't.

Even if you're not religious, though, you might still find how Jack knows everything about everything to be miraculous. To borrow a line from my favourite comedian Stewart Lee, it's as though Jack is "an omniscient alien super-being, a giant baby that lives in space, wearing only a toga, able to view the entire span of human culture and existence but by the creed of his alien race forbidden from ever intervening directly in human affairs." Which is why crime continues unabated under Jack's tenure.

The only other individual who seems to know as much about crime as Jack is Seventh-Day Adventist pastor Clive Dottin, who looks like a medium-sized baby in a shirt-jac suit. Dottin, a former board member of the Police Service Commission who boasts that he's been fighting crime for 29 years, can tell the public all about the mafiatic parasitic rhinoceritic criminals' strategies, including how many schoolboys they're training to be assassins, but is apparently prevented by the creed of his creed from providing the police with any information that might lead to actual arrests. On the other hand, he has kept many young persons off the crime path by telling them that evolution is a lie and Adam and Eve really existed; unfortunately, murderers, rapists, and bandits continue to believe in natural selection and genetic drift.

Jack, therefore, is clearly the best person to find out if a Government Minister's sons are being held in the US and why. Of course, the Chavez worshippers amongst us already know why: it must be a capitalist racist plot. After all, locking up people when they haven't committed any crime is exactly the kind of thing Hugo Chavez and his best friend Fidel fought against in all capitalist countries (except China). But Jack is not one to rely on mere assumption: when he says he knows something, he means he has received information so reliable that he doesn't even need facts.

There are many examples of this, but perhaps the best one is where Jack said one day that he had instructed the Police Commissioner not to release crime statistics and then the next day said he had not said what he had said. Because Jack must have investigated himself and found out that it was another Government Minister named Jack Warner who had said that. Which is why he has challenged attorney Vernon de Lima, whom Jack accused of going to a meeting where plotters plotted to destabilise the country, to produce another attorney named Vernon de Lima before he will apologise for making a false allegation against the first Vernon de Lima. Of course, Jack knows he is on safe ground saying this, for what man in his right mind would admit being named "Vernon" unless that was actually their name?

The issue is difficult to resolve, because both Jack and de Lima think hanging will solve crime, which means that neither man actually depends on evidence for their opinions. This may be why Jack hasn't produced either audio or video to prove that de Lima was at the meeting. On the other hand, de Lima also hasn't provided audio or video or a clone to prove that he wasn't.

Which brings us back to the Government Minister's sons. If the rumours are true, then this is a matter of national security, which makes Jack the right person to investigate it. He must use his vast personal web of informants, like a Third World spider-man, to find out who this Government Minister is, who his sons are, and whether they are horn chile.

For a man who can track people's doubles consumption, getting this information should be child's play: and no doubt Prime Minister Persad-Bissessar will be announcing Jack's findings today self. If she doesn't, this could only mean that Jack knows too much.

• kevin.baldeosingh@zoho.com

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