There is just as much evidence for Santa's existence as for God's. In fact, rather more – actual pictures, cheap decorations, and more people buying gifts than going to church. So I figure that there's no harm in writing some letters to Santa to ask for presents. But not for myself. I don't write to imaginary people, which is also why I don't pray. Instead, I have written on behalf of persons who are in dire need of the following items, or explanations for them.
For this Xmas, I would like the Xerox 36000X multi-function printer, with advanced official document features. It must come pre-programmed to print (1) land deeds; (2) job letters; (3) receipts for pumpkin and cucumbers. I would also like instruction manuals on How to Wire Your Home, How to Plumb, and How to Lie with a Bend Face.
I have been a very good boy this year and I hope you will give me the gifts I ask for so I can be even better in the coming year: 1,000 jerseys saying "Call me Sledge"; five thousand CDs of Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer; and a sled.
I "Sledge" Samad.
Although I have never written you before, you should know that many people look on me as Santa Claus all year round. So I am hoping that, as a fellow gift-giver, you would for the first time respond to what I am asking for: a year's supply of Ginkgo Bilbao, so I can remember what I said yesterday; a calculator which automatically takes away five or six zeroes when calculating my official assets; and a DVD of the classic movie It Takes a Thief. I also need a lifetime supply of plain brown envelopes, large size.
Yr Obdt Servant,
I would like a year's supply of fat-burning pills, the kind which allows you to eat all you want and still lose weight. I need this since I get free products from the Pillsbury Food Company for my success in advertising their Doughboy. If the pill also removes fat between the ears, that would be helpful.
For this Xmas, I would like a false nose. It must be constructed of sturdy material, and be able to go where the sun don't shine. I used to use my own nose to stick in people's business, but have stopped doing that since I got a National Award for my National Award-winning journalism. Some kneepads would also be greatly appreciated.
No doubt this missive will come to you as a surprise. While most epistles you receive are no doubt requests for the joyful good you so bountifully supply, I am instead offering an invaluable service to you. I have recently retired from official legal duties, and I am therefore offering you my expertise and experience. It is inevitable that you will one day be caught and charged for multiple counts of breaking and entering, and I guarantee I can get you off. As you will see from my attached CV, I have an impeccable record in getting rich people off and, given the fiscal magnitude of your annual operation, I am sure we can reach an understanding.
I am in urgent need of balls. It doesn't matter what kind – footballs, volleyballs, tennis balls, beach balls, cricket balls. I recently lost all my balls and have been unable to locate them, even with a bright light and a GPS locator. I hope you can help me, since I have been a good boy all year.
Very sincerely yours,
I have already received my Xmas present from the Ministry of Planning and Development, so I'm not writing for me but, if you could provide a certain magistrate with whatever her heart desires, I would greatly appreciate it. I'll pay any extra delivery costs, and I will also happily give her free wine and, if that doesn't persuade her, some punch.
This Xmas, I need a year's supply of pens suitable for writing letters. I can't use a computer, because then editors might check and see that all the letters praising my intellect, my charisma and my jaw come from the same IP address. However, if I use pens, that would legally justify my using pen names.
Yours sincerely, Yours Truly, and Yrs,
For this Xmas, I'd like a doll which looks just like me but needs less-make-up. She should be able to walk and talk just like a real person, but sound like me. I'd like at least three phrases recorded which will play every time you pull the string in her back: "Let's move on", "I have no problem with drinking", and "We will rise, high".