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Licks FAQs

By Kevin Baldeosingh

 When should I start beating my child?

This, of course, is one of the most Frequently Asked Questions from new parents. In the past, children got their first lash as soon as they came out of the vagina, when doctors spanked them to make them draw their first breath.

Then medical “experts” decided this was unnecessary, which was when babies started becoming criminals. 

So the short answer is: it is never too early to start beating. In fact, if a husband gives his wife some blows while she’s pregnant, this will help ensure the child learns to behave even within the womb, since studies have shown all holy texts command the wife to obey her husband or else.

Once the child is born, beatings should become a regular feature of family life. When the baby cries for no reason, first try telling it to stop. Say this three times in a kind but firm voice.

If this fails, beat the baby till it stops crying. Many modern parents prefer not to lash their babies, but isn’t it better that you beat them now than have a soldier beat them later?

How often should I beat my child?

Some children require more licks, some less, none none. Your natural parental intuition will tell you how much licks is best.

The children who tend to require more licks are usually poor, black, and own-way. For these children, it is best to schedule licks so you don’t give them less than they need. Research shows the most effective time to beat a child is about 8 p.m., after they’ve finished their homework and before they go to bed. 

Beatings may take anywhere from five minutes to half an hour, depending on how fast the child can run. Once they have got their licks, they should say their prayers and go to sleep. If they refuse to sleep, threatening to beat them again would usually ensure a good night’s rest.

What should I beat my child for?

When your child is a baby, there is only one reason to beat him or her—crying for no reason. At this stage, beating a child gives them something to cry about.

As children get older, you can beat them for peeing in their cribs or beds, since most children do this just to test your willpower.

Older children will often hit younger ones, and you should beat them to show this is unacceptable behaviour. 

Once a child starts school, you will definitely have to beat them more. In the past, teachers used to help, but corporal punishment is now banned in schools, which is why children do not know Dr Eric Williams was the third brightest man in the world. 

How much licks you administer depends on what subjects the child is having trouble with. Pedagogical practice shows the most licks is needed for maths, followed by English, geography and home econo­mics. Good parents should always remember to reserve extra licks for biology, however, in case the child starts believing in evolution or, if a girl, sex.

What should I use to beat my child?

This is a question every parent must carefully consider, especially if your child is harden and your hand is not.

1. Belt—this is a traditional implement which has withstood the test of time and bottoms.

2. Guava whip—particularly effective if you want to leave weals, allowing you to create artistic patterns on the child’s skin while they scream.

3. Shovel—can be used for especially difficult children, and is convenient in case you have to bury them after.


—kevin.baldeosingh@zoho.com

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