Mandela made up, mostly

By Kevin Baldeosingh

 The late Nelson Mandela was greatly admired by many people who admired him. Since his timely death last week, the South African leader has been praised by leaders around the world who have no intention of sacrificing power for principle, as well as by millions of ordinary people who have never actually followed his example.

“I joined a crowd in Canada which was celebrating his release from prison in 1990,” posted Sharon C on Facebook. “It was really cold that night, but none of us minded.” Sharon D, who is Facebook friends with Sharon C, agreed. “I remember exactly where I was when Madiba was released from prison. A pub. I even remember exactly what I was drinking – a Goombay Smash. That’s how much that moment meant to me,” said her post, which got 17 Likes. Sharon E also said that she felt really sad when Mandela died, especially since it happened just two days after Paul Walker from Fast and Furious was killed. “Mandela wasn’t bad-looking for an old man, but Paul was scrumptious,” she wrote, adding a sad face emoticon.

Like all great men, Mandela had his critics, however. Pearly White, a black female poet who had neither rhymes nor rhythm, noted that Mandela was unwilling to kill those who betrayed the revolution, especially 14-year-old boys. Pearly expressed the hope that, when ex-wife Winnie died, people would recognise that she was even greater than Mandela, maybe by 150 lbs.

It was for this reason that many fat people felt betrayed by Mandela. When he went to jail in 1964, Mandela was just 46 years old and had a double chin, but when he came out he was a trim 72-year-old. However, although admitting that there was no one they admired more, most fat people were reluctant to spend 27 years in jail in order to reach a healthy weight. “I try colon cleanser, wheatgrass, ozone, magnets, and fat-reducin’ soap,” said one PNM woman who could have made three UNC chutney dancers, “but Mandela was a really great man. He had real willpower to lose so much weight, and keep it off. I woulda like to do like he, but I big-bone too, eh.”

Naturally, political commentators also had much to say about the life and times of Mandela. “He inspired me to admit that I was wrong,” wrote Michael H, whose usual response to being wrong was to quote himself selectively to prove he was always right. “All my political acumen, which has been honed by the late Lloyd Best and the one god Allah, told me that South Africa would descend into chaos. But Mandela proved me wrong, although I never wrote him to tell him so. Now South Africa has one of the highest rape rates in the world, but so does India, which proves that Mandela was just as great a leader as Mahatma Gandhi.”

Michael H noted that Mandela’s greatness lay in his ability to forgive, and said that he had forgiven himself for misleading the country in the last Local Government election by saying it was the lowest turnout ever, and had even forgiven PNM MP Colm Imbert for saying that H had said that Imbert had said something which he (Imbert) never said. “The fact is, I was quoting myself when I quoted Imbert, but that’s the kind of error Madiba would have forgiven. Can I do any less?” H said.

Even weathermen praised the late statesman, noting that it rained continually for his memorial service, which they interpreted either as a sign from God or a cold front. “It was Mandela who inspired me to become a weatherman,” said Eric M. “When I understood what troughs of high pressure can do, and how he argued for a convergence zone, when he could just as easily have flowed with the prevailing currents – well, it was either become a weatherman or fight for human rights.”

Mandela was also revered by communists disguised as socialists disguised as free housing. “He was mainly concerned about the welfare of the people,” said one trade union leader. “The reason he seemed to support capitalists when he came out from prison was only because South Africa’s economy was based on economics. But he remained friends with Fidel Castro and Muammar Gadaffi, which proves that they were concerned about their people too, which is why they never allowed political parties, a free press, or passa passa competitions.”

Of course, the people who were most inspired by Mandela were Africans, as well as black people. This is why Africa no longer has any corruption, slavery, witches, homosexuals, or cockroaches. And, in Caribbean nations where persons of African descent are in the majority, citizens have followed Mandela’s example and abolished the death penalty, legalised abortion, and stopped blaming white people. 

This proves how inspiring and influential a figure Nelson Mandela really was, as everybody has been saying.

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