Monday, February 19, 2018

No news news


Mark Fraser

 Team wins game—In sport today, a game was played. The winners were in ripping form as they inflicted a crushing defeat on the losers. The losers suffered a devastating loss, while the winners had a dazzling victory. The captain said, “I think we performed well. The guys all pulled together, so our hard training paid off.” The losing team’s coach said, “It just wasn’t our day, but the guys made a good effort, now we just have to regroup and train hard.”

Government performing—A politician has told citizens he is doing a good job. At the opening of something, the politician said his ministry had completed projects, was doing projects and planned to do a lot more projects. “Unfortunately, the last administration neglected these projects,” said the politician. He accused other politicians of being wasteful, inefficient and hiring only party supporters. He said the Government was doing a lot to help people, but was criticised because people didn’t know how much the Government was doing to help people, so the Government had to do more to let people know it was helping people.

Government not performing—The Opposition has accused the Government of racial policies in hiring people, firing people and thinking of people. The Opposition said it represented all people, as shown by the fact that it was not racial. The Opposition Leader said the Government was corrupt. He said his party stood for integrity and was against corruption. “This administration is not doing what needs to be done to solve the nation’s problems,” the Opposition Leader said.

Prayer is the solution—A religious group has called for the nation to pray to solve crime. The group said crime in the country was out of control and could only be stopped by God. It called on all people to pray to God to stop crime, so God would know citizens wanted crime to be stopped. “Prayer works,” said the leader of the group, who has a PhD in something fr om a university somewhere.

Women are victims—A women’s group says women are being abused and oppressed. “The patriarchal system is keeping women down,” said a woman. She noted more women than men were in the university, but there were fewer women in the board rooms. She called for a quota system in Parliament, the judiciary and the Chamber of Commerce. The group said many women are abused, all women face sexism and beauty is not beautiful. 

Trade unions want better wages—A trade union yesterday condemned neo-liberal policies. The union said it would resolutely oppose any attempt to privatise State companies. “We are not in support of foreign investors taking over the national patrimony,” the trade union leader said. He called for better wages and working conditions for workers, saying if their demands weren’t met they would take protest action. “We stand in solidarity against the capitalist military industrial complex,” said the trade union leader.

Outrage after child killed—Citizens call for hanging, torture and no cable TV after a child is murdered. “I doh care who think I bloodthirsty,” said the 21-year-old single mother of a three-year-old girl. “If anybody do that to my child, I want them chop up in Woodford Square.” Her boyfriend agreed, while the child’s father could not be found for a comment because he and the mother had just been having sex and she didn’t really like him. “Them men so need licks when they small so they go learn not to harm small children,” said the mother, who was unemployed but looking for a man to support her.