Saturday, December 16, 2017

Par for the President


Mark Fraser

 In his Independence Day message, President Anthony Carmona  praised outstanding Trinidad and Tobago citizens, saying, “We have produced Prof Stephan Gift and Dr Rudrananth Capildeo, who can well be on par with Einstein and Newton.”

This would have been the first time that most Trinbagonians had even heard these two names, so today I’d like to provide some more information about them. Isaac Newton discovered the Three Laws of Motion, although he is not as renowned as his descendant, Fig, who invented that tasty snack. Similarly, Albert Einstein discovered the General Law of Relativity, as well as the Special Law of Relativity, which is what can happen when first cousins have children.

Of course, the Trinis named by President Carmona need no introduction, and are incapable of conclusions. Rudranath Capildeo is best known for the Learning Centre down in McBean Village, mainly due to its stylish lettering on the wall. Capildeo himself was a mathematician and a politician, which made him a calculated liar. While Isaac Newton created calculus, invented optics, and discovered the law of gravity, Capildeo co-wrote a paper  titled “Flexure with shear centres” which has been used by chutney dancers to wine without dislocating their waists. It can therefore be argued that Capildeo contributed more to human happiness.

Capildeo’s theorem has also been used by NASA (National Astrological Sabha Association) to calculate the most propitious days for removing navel lint. When published in 1953, this paper caused considerable controversy due to its claim that cross sections could be “mapped conformally on a circular annulus”. Capildeo, however, pointed out that the Kama Sutra said much the same thing, causing Hindus to eat less prasad. 

All this is why, as President Carmona suggested, Capildeo is on par with Newton. Moreover, President Carmona himself seems to have applied Capildeo’s theorem on eccentric circles to choose members of the Integrity Commission, hence facilitating long periods when that entity cannot have torsion functions even with Pepto-Bismol.

Then there is Stephan Gift, who has disproven the theories of both Einstein and Darwin, which makes him the greatest scientist since sliced bread. In letters to the editor written over the last 20 years, Prof Gift has demonstrated not only how Einstein was wrong but that socks should be worn with shoes. 

In arguing against Einstein’s elevator Gedankenexperiment, Gift used Fourier analyses to show why farting at the speed of light does not smell. As a result, Gift’s equation F=E+SO2 has now superseded Einstein’s less precise e=mc2. In 2006, Gift claimed he had detected ether, without inhaling. His paper was published in the Journal of Scientific Exploration, which is edited by a parapsychologist and deals with topics “outside the established disciplines of mainstream science”, like remote viewing Anya Ayoung-Chee’s closet.

Not content with having displaced Einstein, Prof Gift then set out to demonstrate that evolution could not account for life on Earth, especially Nikki Minaj. Using false logic and a pair of tweezers, Prof Gift proved that life on Earth began 6,000 years ago, exactly as the Bible said. Ergo, Nikki Minaj’s bumsee must have been created by God.

Presumably, it is this maverick perspective which caused President Carmona to appoint people to the Police Service Commission who may not be constitutionally qualified to be there. Despite their accomplishments, however, Capildeo was never elected to the Royal Society and Gift has not won a Nobel Prize. This proves that scientific organisations are racist and, by declaring Capildeo and Gift equal to Newton and Einstein, President Carmona has demonstrated that he himself is on par with Nelson Mandela.