A few days after the Inter-Religious Organisation announced it would be having a week of prayer, Diego Martin was inundated by floods. Being an atheist, I don't think Jehovah, Allah, Bhagavan, or Olurun was responsible for this. But believers are supposed to believe that God has power over everything, including pimples. God even wins football matches, Olympic medals and, of course, elections. That's why the voice of the people is the voice of God although, to judge from the internet chat groups, this would mean that God is ignorant, venomous, and ungrammatical.

So the IRO decided to have a week of prayer, again, because religious leaders believe in doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result. The only difference is that, this time, their National Day of Prayer and Thanksgiving has free food and entertainment sponsored by the Ministry of Planning, which is presumably following God's plan.

Now I don't believe that prayer works, but I admit that the only basis I have for this opinion is fact. While it is true that cancer sometimes goes away, it is even truer an amputee never grows back his leg. Of course, believers won't accept this as proof that prayer is pappyshow. Believers always say that they have personal experience of prayer working. And I believe these believers. I believe that, if 100,000 people buy Lotto tickets, ninety-nine per cent of them would pray to win: and the one person who does win will say God answered his prayers, while the 99,999 losers will go and buy Lotto again and pray to win next week.

In any case, praying to God is either futile, blasphemous, conceited, or sinful. It must be, once believers believe that God is omnipotent, omniscient, and has a Divine Plan. That would mean He already knows what you're going to pray for and decided whether to grant your wish, so prayer is futile. And if you're praying for God to change His Divine Plan, that's blasphemy. Praying for change is also saying that you have a better Plan than God, which is conceit. So that leaves only one reason to pray: to show your neighbours how prayerful you are. But isn't vanity one of the Seven Deadly Sins?

What all this means is that the only sincere prayers to God are those which ask God to keep things as they are or change them only according to His plan, as revealed through His holy books. So, in order to save the believers' souls from Hell, reincarnation, or non-ancestry, I have written the following non-blasphemous prayers:

Pray for floods

Almighty God, mayst Thou flood my house and drown my car as Thou pleaseth, that we be reminded of the Original Sin which wiped all humanity from the Earth save Noah and his Ark and two of every creature, including mosquitoes. Elevate to the Works Ministry, oh God, men who will explain all disasters as an Act of You. Let not construction companies build proper drainage, nor citizens stop littering, nor Local Government councillors work for a living. In this way shall we experience trials and tribulations, oh Lord, that we might grow closer to Thee by mopping mud from our living rooms.

Pray for traffic accidents

Oh God, please ensure that traffic accidents happen, so that those who do not die but are only maimed may thank Thee for sparing their lives, while those who are killed would serve as a warning to others about the sins of strong drink, late liming, and defective tyres. For every fatality, oh God, a pastor or pundit or imam gets paid to put the fear of Thee into mourners, proving that those who are killed in accidents have not died senselessly but are fulfilling Thy divine purpose.

Pray for murderers

Most blessed God, we accept that Thou hath sent murderers onto us, that we shall not take the precious gift of life for granted, that we shall beat our children so they shall not become killers, and hang those who do become killers in order to show that killing is wrong, as stateth in Thy words, unless of course we are killing the infidels as also stated in Thy words.

Pray for politicians

Thank you, oh Lord, for giving us leaders who are venal, incompetent, and corrupt, that we shall never have faith in the laws of man but only in Thy divine laws. Let us not become like those nations with low crime and high prosperity, whose people go not to church save for weddings, funerals, and bazaars. We pray that our political leaders who proclaim their faith shall never be criticised by the IRO, because religious leaders also have to eat ah food.

Pray for atheists

Divine Father, we pray that Kevin Baldeosingh shall continue to demonstrate how rationality influences nobody important, so that our faith may continue to get us invited to official functions with jumbo shrimp.

• kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com