New President of the Republic of Trinidad and Tobago Anthony Carmona, in his speech last Monday, said that as President he has sworn to devote himself to "the service and well-being of the people of Trinidad and Tobago". He hastened to point out, however, that such people do not include atheists, secularists and, I assume, pole dancers.

"The Preamble to our Constitution includes two critical principles that continue to inform our existence as an independent nation," said President Carmona. "First, that there is a higher authority that we are all enjoined to acknowledge." Now I would never let myself be enjoined, because it sounds painful and might cause a rash. So, as a person who does not acknowledge supernatural authority, I am logically excluded from the oath which says that public officials, such as MPs and judges and washroom attendants, should "do right to all manner of people without fear or favour, affection or ill will." That's because non-believers, as you know, aren't people. According to most people in T&T, human beings have both physical and spiritual selves: which excludes pole dancers who seem to break the law of gravity and atheists who don't believe in a Supreme Being.

To be specific, the Preamble to the Constitution states that "Whereas the People of Trinidad and Tobago— (a) have affirmed that the nation of Trinidad and Tobago is founded upon principles that acknowledge the supremacy of God..." So it is either that the Constitution starts with a lie, or that anyone who does not "acknowledge the supremacy of God" is not a member of the group defined as "the people of T&T". Which is why President Carmona is not obliged to serve any such person's well-being.

Indeed, according to his implied interpretation of the Preamble of the Constitution, President Carmona is duty-bound to avoid serving anyone who doesn't acknowledge the supremacy of God. For example, his first duty will be to appoint new members of the Integrity Commission and, obviously, he cannot appoint any individual who doesn't believe in God, because most believers believe that non-believers have no integrity. That is why no priest has ever abused children, no pastor has ever stolen money, no pundit has ever raped a woman, and no imam has ever blown up people. And those religious believers who have done these things, according to other believers, have only demonstrated that they are really atheists.

Similarly, when President Carmona has to appoint persons to the Police Service Commission, he will have to ensure that no non-believers are chosen. Because the Inter-Religious Organisation says that, if people pray to God, crime will stop. Whereas non-religious people point out that persons with no religion constitute just seven per cent of inmates in jail, while Catholics are the largest group of criminals at 23 per cent, followed by Muslims (14 per cent) and Hindus (11 per cent). But this is only a fact and, in this place, facts can never outweigh beliefs. The Constitution itself says so, since the Preamble closes with an assertion that "the equal and inalienable rights" of human beings "have been endowed by their Creator." Which means that President Carmona, who described this "critical principle" as "inviolate", cannot support the rights of persons who don't believe in a Creator.

On this basis, it is therefore important that President Carmona appoints only persons who acknowledge God's supremacy to the Teaching Service Commission. This is because, on average, atheists have higher IQs than believers, so there is a danger that such persons might choose teachers who teach children to think critically, thus endangering the jobs of politicians, herbalists, and feminists. Even worse, such teachers might teach students about the Big Bang and evolution and condoms, and President Carmona, who said in his speech that "reverence for God Almighty" would be one of the criteria by which he discharged his duties, can nip such ungodly ideas right at the top.

But President Carmona's most important task will be keeping non-believers out of the Upper House. Just this week, some Independent Senators were arguing that child marriages should be banned, hence demonstrating that they have not acknowledged the supremacy of Allah and Bhagavan, since it is Them who give believers the inalienable right to marry 12- and 14-year-old girls. Non-believers also have a tendency to insist on equal rights for gays and women: and President Carmona, as a staunch Roman Catholic, can never appoint an Independent Senator who holds such views.

In his speech, President Carmona noted that "even the most sought-after changes are generally attended by doubts and fears. And this is particularly true...when that change exposes strongly-held biases and prejudices as myths."

Luckily, change which reduces prejudice and bias against atheists, secularists, or pole dancers is not sought after. In fact, that particular bias and prejudice should remain unchanged. The Constitution, and the President, say so.

• kevin.baldeosingh@zoho.com