Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Real resumés, really


(BI) Feedloader User

Regular readers will know that I have been trying for years, without success, to get a well-paid Government (not government) wuk. And I recently discovered why I have not been successful. It's because I've been submitting my real resumé, on the assumption that my actual qualifications were pertinent to a Government (not government) wuk. This was really stupid of me, and indeed such stupidity clearly makes me unsuited for any real job, which in turn proves how suited I am for Government wuk. (But not, I repeat, government work.)

To that end, I am today publishing my revised curricula vitae for various jobs, in the hope that Foreign Affairs Minister Winston Dookeran, or Attorney General Anand Ramlogan, or their janitors, will read them and recommend me for a well-paid post where I can pretend to work.

JOB: Dimanche Gras producer

Education: BSc in Wine History. MSc in Jam Making. PhD in Creative Explanatory Paradigms.

Institutions attended: Institut faux de vin de Paris; Jam academie van Amsterdam; Bibere Tota Nocte Universitatis. Thesis topic: "The physics of jump and wave, as analysed through non-linear equations applied to fluid dynamics within geometrically curtailed spatial parameters."

Work History: 1985-1988. Attended clubs and fetes every weekend, including many Sundays. 1988-1992: Jumped up in pretty mas bands, as well as Jouvert bands. Photo appeared in two Carnival magazines. Was wined on by women every time played mas. 1992-1995: Made many grocery lists, sometimes several times per week. Never ran out of eggs, rum, and toilet paper.1995-present: Made many laundry lists. Six pairs socks. Three pairs trouser. Ten jerseys (seven T-shirt, three polo). Eight pairs jockey shorts. Medium load, spin dry. Always wore clean clothes.

Other: Extensive experience in making promises, having a vision, praising Government officials.

JOB: Coup Enquiry Commissioner.

Education: BSc in Military Strategy, Tactics, and Deception. MSc in Diplomacy and Smooth Talk. PhD in BS.

Thesis topic: Call to prayer as acoustic sleep deprivation measure to debilitate enemy combatants and their small children.

Institutions attended: Westernpoint Academy. CIAA Training Facility. Prophet Muhammad University and Dance Studio.

Work History. 1939-1945. Assisted Allied Forces in winning Second World War. 1991. Defeated Saddam Hussein in Gulf War. 2003-2011. Consultant on strategy to invade and bring democracy to Iraq. Analysed intelligence data which led to capture of Saddam. Formulated strategy to invade Afghanistan. Commanded Seal Team Six in capture and killing of Osama bin Laden.

References: General Douglas MacArthur. General George Patton. Colonel Saddam Hussein. President George HW Bush & Son. Tony Blair Witch Project. Donald Rumsfield with coconut water. President Barack "Good buddy" Obama.

JOB: National Carnival Bands Association member.

Qualifications: Making a 3,000 per cent profit.

Work History: 1980-2010. Buying beads, feathers, and portable toilets. 2010-2012. Banning all activities or images which might prevent money from Carnival going into NCBA members' pockets.

Other: Skilled at threatening to sue anyone who posts images of Carnival costumes on social media, and even more skilled at staying quiet on whether masqueraders in said costume should be paid a model fee.

JOB: Pope

Education: BA in Bible History, including Prophecy. ThM in Condom Criticism. ThD in Management for the 14th Century. Thesis topic: Paedophilia – A cost-benefit analysis.

Work History: 1985-1988. Joined the Anti-Toy Balloons movement, lobbying for a total ban on any products which reduced abhorrence of condoms. 1988-1992. Rodeo rider, which provided extensive experience in wearing tall hats and ignoring testicles. 1992-1995. Applied theological reasoning to ensure Church returned to original teachings, including a sun that moved around the Earth.

Other: Skilled at believing without proof, twisting facts to fit belief, and holding up two fingers.

JOB: Flying Squad member.

Education: CXC English, Mathematics, Home Economics.

Qualifications: Certificates in beating suspects, planting evidence, and avoiding big fish.

Work History: 1955-1960. Arrested many people for driving more than 50 mph on the highway. 1962-1977. Arrested many people for dancing in a lewd manner. 1977-1986: Put away many criminals, not always in jail. 1987-present: Kept mouth shut.

JOB: Government Communications Consultant

Education: Little or none.

Qualifications: Party member since birth. Party member till dead. Extensive experience in avoiding facts, principle, and deodorant.

Work History: 1985-1988. Communicated extensively with members of the opposite sex, getting message across in succinct and clear manner, such as "Pssst!", "Niceness", and "You must work for Meccano Ltd, the company which makes erector sets." 1988-1992. Sales officer for alternative medicine company, which provided extensive experience in making empty promises. 1995. PR officer for religious organisation, where trained in speaking for invisible entities who claim to be perfect and never in error. 1996-present: Friend and relative of politicians, and friend/relative of their friends and relatives.

Other: Diploma in yoga to enable easy bowing. Also keep nails long for scraping. Do tongue exercises every day and look up at sky to keep nose browned. Come with own kneepads.