Now that the public knows that the Government and the Opposition, for a small fee and a long tongue, are willing to pass laws which would assist their party financiers, other persons who are facing jail and can get votes would want Section 34s for their cases. Here, then, is a list of clause 34s which we can expect under a People's Partnership or PNM government.

Motor Vehicles and Road Traffic Act, Chapter 48:50, Section 34, (xx). Whereas it is an offence under Act No. 19 of 2007 to operate a motor vehicle while under the influence of alcohol, this law shall not apply to persons duly appointed as Government ministers, or their spouses, or their girlfriends. Ministers shall (a) crash official vehicles; (b) use said vehicles to run over feet of pedestrians; or (c) visit popular nightclubs driving official vehicles, without being personally liable for such actions. Ministers may not be removed from office for these acts, unless the Prime Minister deems that she would get more votes by doing so. Cases against Ministers which have not been concluded within three hangovers shall be discontinued.

The Police Services Act, 15:01, Section 34 (2) (ii). Videos of police officers slapping, cuffing, kicking, or squeezing the testicles of persons who use irritating language to said officers shall not constitute evidence of wrong-doing or homosexual tendencies. Posting such videos to YouTube or any public website shall constitute an offence under Ch. 11:01 (Criminal Offences Act of 1844) and shall be punishable by slapping, cuffing, kicking, and testicles-squeezing. Cases which have not been concluded within the time it takes to kill a young black man shall be discontinued.

Marriage Act 45:01, Section 34 (xxx). Whereas Muslim and Hindu men are allowed to marry 12- and 14-year-old girls, and whereas this is discriminatory to paedophiles, it shall not be an offence for men to have sexual intercourse with underaged girls once they are respected religious leaders, respectful religious believers, or respect religious people's right to have sex with pubescent girls. Cases which have not been concluded within the period required for a 12-year-old girl to see her period shall be discontinued.

Banking Act 79:01, Section 34 ($). No banking institution or its board shall be held liable for persons being beaten up in its ATMs, once the bank issues a public statement expressing (i) horror; (ii) shock; and (iii) regret, when a video of such an incident is made public a year or more after said incident occurred. If banks are aware of such incidents on their internal security tapes, but the person being beaten is unlikely to sue, the bank shall be within its rights to not report the incident, not be appalled, and not have a second helping of crème brûlée. Cases which have not been concluded within the time taken for the bank's board to pay a gratuitous gratuity of $10 million to the new Finance Minister shall be discontinued.

Medical Act, 90:04, Section 34 (p). All persons using the title "doctor of medicine" shall be required to have a medical degree from an accredited institution, unless they are herbalists, magnet therapists, reflexologists, aromatherapists, crystalogists, ozonologists, or nose-hair diagnosticians. Such individuals may call themselves (a) "Doctor", (b) "Brother", (c) "Doctor Brother", or (d) "Pooky". Cases which have not been concluded within three colon cleansings shall be discontinued.

Customs Act 78:01, Section 34 (lx). It shall not be an offence to bring foreign currency into the borders of Trinidad and Tobago for the purpose of bribing football officials for the furtherance of local football glory, while commingling of personal and official bank funds and being economical with the truth shall not debar any individual from (a) holding ministerial office; (b) implementing useless crime plans; (c) wheeling and dealing. Cases which have not been concluded within one stammer shall be discontinued.

Libel And Defamation Act, 11:16, Section 34 (42) (d) It shall be an offence to speak, write, publish, or broadcast any material which may injure another individual's reputation, unless said statements are made on websites by persons pseudo-named Janet, or by a Government minister posing as a blogger, or by a blogger posing as a Government minister's girlfriend posing. Cases which have not been concluded within one catfight shall be discontinued.

Prevention of Corruption Act 11:11, Section 34 (u) (n) (c). It shall not be an offence for a Prime Minister to hire any relative, including spouses, sisters and the family chihuahua to occupy any official post, including a non-official post once free shopping trips are included. This clause shall also apply in more limited form to Government ministers, and shall cover ear surgery for wives, cellphones for girlfriends, and grooming for the chihuahua. Cases which have not been concluded within one stiff drink shall be discontinued.

—kbaldeosingh@hotmail.com