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The Atheist Bible

By Kevin Baldeosingh

 GENESIS

1 In the beginning, there was no Beginning. There was only the quantum field. 


2 And, lo, there came a fluctuation wherein a particle was formed but not annihilated by an anti-particle. So was created a singularity out of which exploded the Big Bang. So spake the prophets Lemaître, Hubble and Hawking.


3 And there was inflation so that, in a trillionth of a trillionth of a trillionth of a second, the universe did expand, according to the prophet Guth.


4 And so formed time and space and Nicki Minaj.


5 Now the universe did cool and pockets of order form, that the Third Law of Thermodynamics was not violated; and, between matter’s positive energy and gravity’s negative energy, the total energy of the universe and the Public Service was zero. 


6 And so came there galaxies and solar systems and asteroids and comets and stars and planets, along with dark matter, for the universe was not racist.


7 And this took 13.7 billion years, which astronomers calculated using the distance of the galaxies and the speed of light and a lollipop. Thus spake the prophets Galileo, Newton and Einstein.


8 And in the galaxy that would be called the Milky Way, a g-class star did have eight planets circling it, which used to be nine till scientists discovered Pluto was just conceited.


9 And, lo, life started on the third planet that came to be called Earth and was formed 4.6 billion years ago, with a year being 365 days and a day being the time it takes for the Earth to rotate on its axis, not a meta­phorical day that could be thousands of years long so priests won’t sound even more silly.


10 And, yea, the Earth did cool and two hydrogen atoms did bond with one oxygen atom to make H2O, which sounds more kinky than it is. Thus did seas form, then super-continents, and organic molecules did coalesce into algae 3.8 billion years ago, perhaps using crystal lattices as a template. 


11 And, behold, a cell did eventually form and the eukaryotes, hence allowing replication, which allowed asexual reproduction, which allowed sex, which allowed porn, which is when the fun really began. 


12 And so did the prophet Darwin show that natural and sexual selection accounted for all species, except socialists. And the apostle Mendel discovered the units of heritability called genes, and Mendel begat the prophets Crick and Watson and Franklin, who discovered the double-helix of DNA, then did the apostle Kimura mathematically prove genetic drift.


13 Yea, so was evolutionary theory elaborated by the disciples Fisher, Trivers, Hamilton and Dawkins, which affected not the incomes of televangelists.


EXODUS

2 Now it came to pass that several species of humans did evolve, for there were homo habilis and homo erectus and australopithecus and homo neanderthalis and homo sapiens. 


2 And so did the first modern humans evolve in East Africa 100,000 years ago and, verily, they did lick up their homo cousins and so begat Leroy Clarke.


3 And there came a day when these humans did leave Africa for other continents, and there came another day when other homo sapiens sapiens did leave Africa again and, lo, they spread throughout the planet, except for the faculty lounge at UWI. 


4 And those who reached Europe did lick up the Neanderthals, but not before having sex with them, hence proving that even hairy women can get a mate.

NUMBERS

3 And so did humanity spread across the planet, and alleles continued to mutate, creating races from one species. And for 90,000 years, all humans in all lands were hunter-gatherers.


2 But then did they genetically modify plants and developed agriculture and more importantly beer, but also prostitutes, priests and politicians, who were often the same people. 


3 Yet still was humanity caught in a Malthusian trap, wherein populations increased to match resources and then died in vast numbers to restore natural balance. And, after 10,000 years there was the Industrial Revolution, as prophesied by Adam Smith and realised by his disciples Watts, Whitney and Bell.


4 Now did humanity expand from one billion to several billions, yea, and they were counted by the prophets Euclid, Descartes, Cantor, Fermat, Fibonacci, Frege, Turing and Godel.


5 And with so many humans, there came slavery and wars and theologians, and so did moral reasoning develop through the prophetic philosophers Kant, Locke, Hume, Mills, Spinoza, Mackie and Rawls: but their works also did not affect the incomes of televangelists.


6 Thus did science and philosophy and democracy give rise to the saints Salk and Borlaug and Hilleman, but then did the anti-vaxxers demonstrate that no force is greater than human stupidity.


PROVERBS

Whoever sayeth in his heart that Freud, Marx and Foucault explain anything important is ignorant of psychology, economics and dieting.


Behold the feminist that sayeth sex is socially constructed, proving she doesn’t get it.


He that believeth gay rights will make more people homosexual hath revealed what he will do if gays get rights.

—kevin.baldeosingh@zoho.com

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