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Why Kublalsingh must die

By Kevin Baldeosingh

Activist Wayne Kublalsingh poses a greater threat to the Kamla-Persad Bissessar administration than 17 assassins, one14-year-old cussbud, and unlimited cheesecake. After all, Kamla and her cabinet have spent 36 months governing by eat-ah-food: and now here's this Trini who is literally refusing to eat any food.

This is why UNC chairman Jack Warner wants Kublalsingh to die quickly. Last Monday, at a UNC party party in Debe, Warner claimed that Kublalsingh was eating doubles in the back of a car. However, in the same way that the Section 34 demonstrators were mostly Afro-Trinidadians, the Debe audience was mostly Indians: and so, if they believed Warner, that doesn't mean that the majority of Trinbagonians are also morons.

But, if Kublalsingh has learned how to lose 42 lbs in two weeks while eating doubles, this poses a significant threat to the economy of Trinidad and Tobago. After all, over half of this country's adult population are overweight, and nearly all of them are Oropouche East MP Roodal Moonilal. In fact, I am advised that the Michelin Man, the Marshmallow Man, and the Abominable Snowman have filed a lawsuit against Moonilal for using their image without permission. (I am using "fact" in the Warner sense of "lie", and "I am advised" in the Kamla sense of "I am lying".) So, if people started eating doubles to lose weight, this would surely lead to the closure of KFC, Mario's, and sno-cone vendors.

If, however, Kublalsingh is not eating doubles or any other food, the effects on the country would be even worse. After all, if politicians cannot get people to eat ah food, how would they get votes and, more importantly, Treasury money to buy luxury SUVs? In such a situation, politicians would have to appoint people to State boards according to qualifications instead of according to friends and family; would have to resign over Section 34; and would have to drink moderately. In other words, the country would become ungovernable.

Yet that is not the worst of it. It is likely that, if he ever got into office, Kublalsingh would be a worse Government minister than even Larry Howai, since Kublalsingh approves of Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez, and anyone who doesn't understand economics. But, on this re-route issue, Kublalsingh's views are even more pernicious, because he has promised that he would stop his hunger strike once the Government presents an independent technical report on the $5 billion Debe-Mondesir section of the $7.2 billion Point Fortin highway.

Clearly, this is a request to which the Government cannot accede. After all, if politicians started basing policy on expertise and ethics, there would be fewer multi-billion-dollar projects for party financiers to tief from. Worse than that, if the population got into the habit of basing their beliefs on proof and logic, it wouldn't be long before churches, mandirs and mosques would be virtually empty, which could result in abortion law reform, abolition of the death penalty and, worst of all, fewer public holidays. So it's no wonder that, with the exception of Roman Catholic priest Clyde Harvey, no religious leaders have been supporting Kublalsingh, since they're all in fear of the Lord and losing their tax-free status.

To besides, encouraging people to be independent would obviously undermine sycophancy, which would put all government communications specialists and a couple of National Award-getting newspaper columnists out of a job. This is why Jack and Roodal and Stacy and Anil have been badtalking the Kublalsingh family, plus their dog. After all, here are eight children who, with a working-class father and a housewife mother, became professionals or otherwise successful without going to the Government or the UNC for handouts. If most families started doing that, who would come to political revivals to hear a family being denigrated by politicians whose own parents apparently didn't teach them how to use cutlery, napkins, or toilet paper?

Which brings me to the most dire threat posed by Wayne Kublalsingh, and the real reason the Persad-Bissessar administration has refused to compromise with his requests: the fact that his hunger strike has brought his mother into the public gaze. You see, in her youth, Vilma was considered one of the most gorgeous women in Union Village, Claxton Bay, a place with a ridiculous number of good-looking women. And, now that she has appeared on TV in support of her son, the entire country has found out that Kamla is not the nation's best-looking grandma. This has done more to shatter confidence in Kamla's leadership than Reshmi, helicopter rides and Section 34; and how can a nation progress without confidence in its leader?

And that is why Kublalsingh must die. Because, if he does, then Kamla will be immediately re-named Kamla the Killer: which, in a society where the majority of people support licks for children and criminals and social activists, is her best hope for re-election.

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