Virgin (definition) - A woman who has never had sexual intercourse. Virginity is the state of being a virgin. It is derived from the Latin Virgo, which means ’sexually inexperienced woman’. (Source- Google Dictionary)
This may come as a shocker or as another rarity in the modern world - like the swapping of sex organs in some fish in the ocean - but believe it or not there are heterosexual women out there, (excluding nuns) who are virgins.
You are now probably assuming that these women must fall into the clandestine categories - Ugly Betties or the All-work-and-no-play-plain-Janes. Well, you’re wrong - dead wrong. These women are far from these stereotypes and guess what?... it’s not a rare phenomenon.
Many women choose to keep their virginity sacred until marriage or indefinitely. They just don’t make their decisions public because of the raised eyebrows this information elicits.
The women who shared their virginity secrets with Express Woman were from all walks of life. Beautiful women with feminine feistiness and flair.
So the question must be asked: Why then are they still virgins?
Baffling isn’t it? - everybody seems to be sexually active these days.
Well, here is another angle to this preconceived notion, there are women who are guarding their virginity.
Listen and learn as women throughout Trinidad speak out on the V WORD.
’So you are a virgin?’
’Even at the doctor’s office the questions are: Have you had sex recently? Are you sexually active? Have you ever had sex? So you won’t need the pill at any time? ’
’It’s hard for the good ole doc to believe the answer to all the questions is... No. You don’t get any special awards for such a revelation in today’s society. You may be looked at with such incredulousness that the thought bewilders many and defies the laws of human nature for most. But the phenomenally high AIDS and STD rates don’t perplex and the many unwanted pregnancies don’t seem to bother most people,’ charged Candice, a 25-year-old from Penal, who is holding strong to her choice to abstain until marriage.
’As a child barely understanding what virginity meant it was a combination of I would go to ’hell’ and ’yuh father go kill yuh’ if I did the ’nasty’ before marriage,’ said Shelley a 31-year-old from Couva.
’These warnings were very powerful after seeing pictures of hell. There was also a cultural stigma of ’being a bad thing’ silently attached to it for girls in my family.
’When I got older I understood it a lot more. I justified my religious reason with practical reasons such as diseases, understanding my value enough to know that although it may be nice it should not be necessary and finally that I wanted to ’belong’ in that way just to one person alone.
’It was a way to get rid of the weeds it would be a test both to me and him as well,’ she concluded with a smile.
’A sexual committed relationship is a marriage. If the man ain’t put no ring pon de finger... you single. Why commit to doing married people stuff when you’re not married and you never sure of being so? Why allow yourself to be used up before hand, only for the man to move along when he ain’t appreciating the wear and tear or he prefers fresh fruit?’ argues 26-year-old Arlene from Sangre Grande.
’As a woman there is much to consider regarding sex. To me, every time you have sex, you need to be preparing yourself to become a mother. Many people have sex but don’t realise that a child is often in the finer print of the sexual contract. We all know that there is no 100 per cent foolproof contraception. Not to mention, the plethora of sexually transmitted diseases. Every time you have sex, you are literally sleeping with every person your partner has slept with,’ argues Arlene.
’It’s often said that men want women with standards but the standard of waiting to have sex is a standard that many don’t want. It would help in the context of a relationship to find someone with like-minded values and principles, who is seriously prepared to work with you in this regard. Otherwise, you often find yourself in a position where, within two to three months or less, you are trying hard to be true to yourself and to your values but the gentleman in question is putting pressure on you that you are denying him his needs.
The question is often asked by the man: What do you expect me to do?
’In his mind there is no possibility that a relationship (before marriage) can exist without a dose of sexual nourishment,’ explains Petula from North Trinidad.
’Most people are very particular about their possessions e.g. a car. Most people sacrifice immensely for the things they want, be it a house etc, but when it comes to the most intimate - the sharing of your sexuality - a high level of discretion is not necessarily exercised.
’Everything is a choice. Being a virgin can be viewed as a ’curse’ or it can be looked at as an opportunity to clearly define who you are and what you want. It may be a difficult choice - it’s not easy because we all know that ’the flesh is weak’. It’s a choice that may at times leave you questioning yourself, but if you decide that’s your choice, you gotta reinforce it,’ suggests 40-year-old Jean-Marie, a Trinidadian living in Miami.
’You can decide if you want to move with the tide. The thing about it is if the tide is high and you can’t swim, moving could mean that you drown or end up battered and bruised on the banks of the river or the shore,’ declares Denise-Ann from Cunupia.
’From a spiritual perspective, sex is not an extra-curricular activity (many would disagree). But there is a reason why breaking up is harder to do when sex is involved in the relationship. You become one with the person. There is bonding at a very deep level,’ says Ayanna from Mayaro.
’I got hurt when I was younger. I was involved in a sexual relationship from age 22 to 27. It was sex all the time - at the beach, in the car you name it, but not comfortable spots - it was always rough and in a rush. When the relationship ended bitterly, I vowed never to have sex again or allow myself to sink to that level of misery I found myself in after the break up.
’You see giving him my virginity was like giving him my life - I was suicidal after we were through. Since then I have given my life to God (prayer got me through this ordeal). I have never had sex with a man since or engaged in a relationship and I am at peace with myself because I have realised that my calling is to be celibate and single. Yes, I have urges but I just pray when they come. Men approach me but I put up my barrier. I am at peace with my decision. I am not lacking and guess what, I am happy at my second virginity.’ assures 52-year-old Liz from San Fernando.
’Why are we waiting for marriage? Well for me there isn’t one reason but a number of reasons. From as long as I have known myself I have wanted to save that special gift for my husband on our wedding night. I believe that in the act of sex, two people become one and the outpouring of emotion and love should be shared by a couple who have made the commitment of holy matrimony. When a couple has taken that step there is no turning back. They are in it for the long haul, for better or worse; there is no mine or yours, only ours. I believe sex both symbolises and personifies this union. If I were to trivialise sex and engage in it before marriage, what more would I have to give my husband when we are married?
’I believe that sex and marriage are inextricably linked and to separate one from the other would be tantamount to separating light from day and darkness from night.
’Now all of this may sound quite nice and rosy but I will be the first to admit that it is not easy. There is no harder task than to feel so strongly for someone, to want to give them all of yourself but not doing so because you know in your heart that it means so much more to wait till you’re ready to be married.
’People ask many questions like. ’How will you know you are compatible?’ Why can’t possible sexual incompatibility be rectified with good communication and understanding? Who is to say there would not be such issues anyway? When one truly loves another, you are willing to do anything for the sake of that person, even if it means inconveniencing oneself. I believe that I’ve found that special someone who I want to save myself for. Sometimes it’s frustrating and I feel that marriage can’t come fast enough but like all things, nothing happens before it’s time. The sacrifice we make today will make the act of sex we engage in after marriage all the more meaningful,’ explains Eileen.
Fiona from Trinicity reveals,’I am now married but I waited until I got married to have sex. I was brought up in a Christian home and I was told that sex before marriage was a sin, not to mention there were a lot of babies out of wedlock in my family so that was my biggest fear. So I never had sex before my wedding night but I fought a battle with myself, peer pressure and social forces got the better of me. My strategy was to do everything imaginable in foreplay but not cross the line - actual penetration. I used to wonder if these acts were sins and then consoled myself with the fact that sex involved penetration so I was safe.’
’This strategy exposed me to a lot of potential date rapes (thank God it never happened) as blue balls and raging hormones would be the tone set as I got the guys excited, hungry with anticipation only to tell them that I wasn’t going any further,’ she confessed.
’I now understand how foolish I was as I hear of so many stories from women who are not as lucky as I was. Preserving your virginity until the marital bed is the best option not only for religious reasons, but for health and psychological reasons as well. It even increases your years in marriage as you try all the erotic stuff during and not before marriage. But be warned - don’t claim virgin status when teasing and tantalising a man. It is not only hypocritical but a dangerous game to play.’ .
Now you’ve heard the ladies’ take on the matter, stay tuned as the guys answer the question - Am I willing to wait if she wants me to?
