A couple weeks ago, the Woman Express had a cover story titled ’From lesbianism to grace’, about a woman who used to be a lesbian but who became born-again and heterosexual. Mind you, she admitted that she hadn’t had sex since her conversion six years ago, so perhaps the headline should have been ’From lesbianism to celibacy’. Moreover, the reader never found out who Grace was or whether she wears sensible shoes.

Be that as it may, since so many people believe that God cures all ills, including foot rot, I felt that there were many other conditions from which people could be saved that should be written about.

From africanism to grace: I once was dark and had kinky hair, but now I am lighter-skinned and less kinky. I knew God wants good for all mankind, so I prayed for two weeks to the Holy Spirit to give me good hair. Then, one strange Sunday, I ran up to the altar in church and I heard God’s voice talk to me, saying, ’No longer shalt thou suffer from an inferior mindset, nor shall these demons have dominion over thee. Go forth and be Negro no more.’ And when I arose, I was transformed. There was a shining light around me, which made me look fair and pleasant to behold. Now I use bleaching cream and hair straightener and, in a dim light, I am sometimes taken for a red man.

From hinduism to grace: I once believed all religions lead to the same God, and had a large nose. I was less likely to go to jail, more likely to own a shop, and extremely likely to eat dhal. But then I found Jesus, when approached by a young lady with a tract and a well-tailored blouse. Now I know that everyone who doesn’t belong to my church is going to suffer eternal torment in Hell, and I have had rhinoplasty. I feel better, I look better, I save money on chick-peas.

From autism to grace: I once was born with a neurological defect that made me unable to understand other people’s feelings. Because of this, I had no social skills and perceived other people simply as objects, like a table or chair, except that they moved around and made loud noises when I tried to eat dinner on them. Then I got grace, and now I can see that people in my church have feelings for Jesus, because they stretch their arms out and open their mouths wide and close their eyes tight. Or do they want a nut?

From environmentalism to grace: I once believed that Nature was benevolent and must be protected. I felt that there was no price too high to pay for saving the environment, including my virginity. I dismissed any evidence which showed that polar bears weren’t dying, that forests were thriving, and that living standards had improved all over the planet. I was convinced that the end of the world was near. Then I became a born-again Christian. Now I believe that God is Love, that the poor are blessed, and that nations are embracing the same sins of Sodom and Gomorrah and Diego Martin, which is where my ex-man horn me with a brown-skin ad agency girl. Now I know the end of the world is nigh, but I will help save it.

From rationalism to grace: I once believed in evidence and reason. I formed no opinion unless it could be proven, and held no belief that was not logical. I decided right from wrong in the context of people’s situations, and took action based on what would do the least harm. Where neither evidence nor logic would suffice, I was content to suspend judgement. But now that I have found grace, I know everything, am always certain what is right, and can pass judgement faster than a speeding bullet.

From journalism to grace: I once wrote articles which provided reliable information to the public. I would strive for balance, and include sidebars which gave the experts’ consensus or the latest research on any issue. I was sceptical, logical, grammatical. But then I found grace. Now I write about people who changed their sexual orientation, even though psychologists say this is unlikely to happen. I once handled such stories with sensitivity and professionalism, but now I don’t bother since all homos are all sinners. I even write about psychics, even though scientific tests have never found evidence of extra-sensory perception but plenty proof of ’confirmation bias’ -i.e. people’s tendency to see only what confirms their beliefs and to ignore what doesn’t. And now I don’t even need my subject to agree with my verbs, since God forgives all transgressions (except lacking faith in things which can’t be proven, like His benevolence and my IQ).

kbaldeosingh@hotmail.co