Dear Marguerite:

Two couples, both close friends of my husband and me, are to be our house guests for Carnival. The wives have asked me to let them know the latest wear on the street and at parties and I have done this, but my husband is driving me crazy because he is scoffing at attempts I am making to have our house look extra nice. I am trying to give it a little uplift.

One of my specific complaints is the coffee table in the living room. What exactly is a coffee table for? I know I do not put coffee on this table. I have in mind a few local and foreign magazines and some flowers, but my husband only wants to put out GIRLIE magazines. You know the type, and with that he puts magazines on engines and cars, and on top of that — get this — his jogging shoes.

On another note, I have decided to serve asparagus at one of the meals I am planning, but a friend told me that my plan to use it as a finger food at the table is wrong and that one must always use a knife and fork.

A real callaloo of questions for you, but I have been reading your columns forever and I know you can give me great answers!

"Anxious Hostess"

Dear "Anxious Hostess":

Thank you for reading me "forever." I think the only anxious moment you may have to deal with will be your husband. But more on that shortly. Let me answer your last question first. You are right about eating asparagus with fingers at table, yes it can be done, but there is a condition attached to the use of fingers. If your asparagus is smothered in hollandaise sauce - as you know this is a sort of creamy white sauce (will all chefs who may be reading this please forgive this rather loose description), then a knife and fork should be used. So just serve with a touch of butter on the plate and then with great finesse — you can all, with your fingers — pick up, dip and consume those delicious asparagus.

Now, your advice to your Carnival guests about what's in style on the streets, etc., I am sure was tempered by how mature and slim the wives are. Look, on the street ladies seem to be wearing very short, tight skirts or dresses and at Carnival parties do I see shorts? Yes shorts, but very, very, tight and short shorts. These should only be worn by nubile, slim young ladies between 18 and 25 who have no cellulite in sight.

(Sigh). I have left the question about the coffee table, girlie magazines and your husband for my last answer. Many husbands make wives sigh. It is indeed a strange combination of articles on your coffee table. I know what you mean by "Girlie" magazines. The Playboys, the Playmates, the whatevers, do not belong in a family home. They belong in bachelor pads, I suppose. Magazines on engines and cars could perhaps be packed away neatly, though on the other hand, I can perhaps hear your husband objecting to magazines on cooking, fashions and art. If that happens, just point out to him that while your magazines are concerned with basic needs and culture, his magazines are only concerned with transportation. Surely jogging shoes, when off the feet belong in a cupboard.

A coffee table is usually close to, or surrounded by a group of chairs and on it you may certainly, when needed, place a tray with coffee cups, coffee pot, etc., and of course, tea if you wish. Put your drinks, glasses on coasters, and rest them on this coffee table. As you have said, some flowers (make them a low arrangement) or a central object, art and hard-cover books (hence the term "coffee table" books), together with those types of magazines you have suggested. Spacing and placing are important.

But your husband obviously needs some space, so give him some. Compromise on the magazines of engines and cars, be very firm about his shoes and be absolutely unrelenting about those bachelor magazines.

If he remains excessively stubborn about the last, you could always follow one of Black Stalin's advice and bun dem.

Dear Marguerite:

This may sound like a funny question, but I want to know exactly what to do, at a very, very important function if you urgently have to go to the — you-know- where.

Kate

Dear Kate:

Before the start of formalities, whether speeches or a meal and whether you feel to or not, you should try to go to the "you-know-where". Just quietly excuse yourself and go, without telling anyone where you are going (they will know anyway). If you do not know your way you will, of course, have to get directions from the staff.

I must admit your question sounds a little strange, because when you gotta go, you gotta go if not, you know what will happen.