Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Valentine's Day

It's the new millenium with old, basic rules


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The hustle in areas across the country on Valentine's Day always amuses me. Walk along the main streets after 4 p.m. and observe adult males pondering over miniature teddy bears coupled with mini chocolates. Isn't that for teenagers? Wait…I am not even sure a teenager would like that. Then there is the 'large chocolate' gift. Blah. While we have individual examples of our desires, men and women want the same things in each of their categories.

Ladies, you haven't gotten away. What do you get for your mister? Valentine's Day isn't just about us collecting gifts or being treated. Men don't care for mushy cards or heart pendant jewelry but there are things that you can do or get for your guy, regardless of age, race or economic status:

A bottle of his favourite alcohol: Warning! Unless it's favoured by both of you, don't expect him to share it with you. He's likely to share it with Jim, James, Paul…and Tyrone! (What you didn't know: men don't care for gifts that they can use with you or reminds them of you).

Lack of clothing: Skin is always in. He isn't concerned if you're serving macaroni and cheese in a used dog bowl. He will actually be salivating over the prospect of wild meat and roasted chicken…

A long, massage: Here's a secret… He won't let it be long. Please do not wear the holey, stained, stretched-out company T-shirt that you usually wear.

Work his likes in with your likes: For instance, women like candles, romantic music and rent-a-tile dancing. You're going to have to compromise a bit, especially if your guy isn't quite the romantic. So use the candles but choose some bump-and-grind music with a lot of bass, maybe from R Kelly. Instead of begging him to dance, YOU DANCE for him. Wear some heels and a sexy outfit that you're comfortable in. He'll do whatever you want for the next two weeks – without even being asked! Hey, two weeks; take it or leave it! One note though; please ensure that your children can't walk into the room. You don't want any of your children needing therapy!

What else could he possibly want? The cookie! Initiate the serving of the cookie. Men don't run from the risk of cavities or a sugar rush.

Ultimately, people crave intimacy. Women, men love attention too. Destiny's Child had the idea in their song, "Cater 2U":

Let me help you

Take off your shoes

Untie your shoe strings

Take off your cufflinks

What you wanna eat, boo?

Let me feed you

Let me run your bathwater

Whatever your desire, I'll aspire

Sing you a song

Turn my game on

I'll brush your hair

Help you put your do-rag on

Want a foot-rub?

You want a manicure?

Baby I'm yours, I want to cater to you, boy

Let me cater to you

'Cause baby this is your day

Do anything for my man

Baby, you blow me away

I got your slippers, your dinner, your dessert and so much more

Anything you want, just let me cater to you…

Let me hold you in my arms…

Boy, is there something you need me to do?

If you want it (I got it)

Say the word (and I'll try it)…

Do you think any man will object to this treatment?! Ladies, it's just one day, would it kill you?

Now for the men. Bottomline, don't carry us to the same restaurant that you've been taking us to for the past six(teen) years; don't buy things like cake and ice cream (are we four years old?) and no more flowers!

My suggestion if you're not romantically inclined, is to create a romantic space and play Lionel Richie's "Truly". Look into her eyes until your eyes bleed from forced focus. Smile and caress the small of her back. Don't talk, you might spoil it! Even if she was mad at you all week, she will melt and fall in love with you all over again. (Please don't leave the toilet seat up for at least two days after, otherwise, that love session will automatically and instantly become null and void!)

The lyrics, coupled with the melody, can flutter almost any woman's heart:

Girl, tell me only this

That I'll have your heart for always

And you want me by your side

Whispering the words I'll always love you

And forever I will be your lover

And I know if you really care

I will always be there

Now I need to tell you this

There's no other love like your love

And I, as long as I live,

I'll give you all the joy

My heart and soul can give

Let me hold you

I need to have you near me

And I feel with you in my arms

This love will last forever

Because I'm truly

Truly in love with you, girl

I'm truly head over heels with your love

I need you, and with your love I'm free

And truly, you know you're alright with me

We'll take that any day over our man manoeuvring his eyebrows up and down quickly, saying, "Leh we do it nah?"